Thursday, 29 December 2016

Finally getting the hang of this Inter-web thingy


KTFC Chat responds to the lack of P45
in Marcus's Christmas stocking

Now we've discovered Memes I doubt we'll
ever write a full length article again 








"He, he, he!" 

Saturday, 17 December 2016

My mate Dennis


Many of you will have heard that Poppies fan Dennis Kendall passed away recently.  Some of you may have known or at least spoken to him.  Others may recall seeing him in his mobility scooter, attending home and away games in all weathers.

Dennis was my good friend.  A friend of a kind you don't really make these days.  We were of a different generation, and held almost completely opposite views on most topics.  Today people so diametrically opposed would only ever encounter each other during online sniping sessions, but, back when I first started playing cricket with Dennis in the late 1980's things were different.  Eight hours of standing in the sun, followed by a few hours at the bar mellowed you.  What could have been arguments became alcohol-fueled chats and wonderful late night banter.  I think it helped me appreciate that my high-handed opinions weren't universally held - always a shock to the young and stupid.

The Rushton changing room was never quite complete without Dennis's leonine presence, with his ubiquitous, incredibly swollen wallet - it was almost spherical, his chunky "DK" signet ring and his enormous cricket bat.  The appropriately titled, "Den's Destroyer".

Back then we talked of the Poppies.  Me in the present tense, him in the past.  He saw the odd game, but with his loves of Rushton CC, Nottingham Forest and wife Sue (and, I fear, in that order!) he had little free time for the Poppies back then.

With the amusingly contrary spirit with which I'll always remember Dennis best, he took up the Poppies again pretty much as everyone else deserted them.  He started to regularly attend during the dark end-days at Non Park.  Having stepped back from both Rushton and the world-of-work, (if nothing else, this at least moved Sue up a couple of places....) he, and brother Malc became new, old, faces in the ever-thinning Poppies crowd.

Dennis, Malc and sometimes Sue, saw out our purgatory in Irthlingborough, before also braving the icy-wilderness that is Steal Park, before settling in at our current bumpy field in Burton.  He didn't let a prolonged period of ill-health stop him living life, and even taking regular cruises with his extended family.

Looking back, I'm pleased that I managed to share three of the high-points of my life with Den.  He was there at both my wedding and my surprise 50th birthday event.  And, more importantly, I find myself almost childishly pleased that the only time I scored a century at cricket, Den was batting with me and was the first to offer congratulations.  He couldn't have been more chuffed for me.  Of course, being Dennis, he then grumbled at me to get a move on as we'd fallen behind the required run rate!

This is the 1000th PATGOD post since we started this online blog and I am glad I could use this milestone to honour the passing of a mate - cheers Dennis.



Dennis, in vibrant blue, gamely puts up with Henry Priestman's
lefty musings and music at my 50th birthday party.
Sue seems most amused by this!


"It's my wedding Dennis, so, for once, you have to listen to me
spouting my crazy left-wing views without interruption!" 







Wednesday, 14 December 2016

2 1/2 hours of local democracy in 10 handy bullet-points


  1. Kettering Borough Council meeting starts
  2. Kids singing carols - cute but tuneless.  Mayor even more tuneless.  Murdered "Happy Birthday to you" as surely as he'd emptied a six-shooter into it.
  3. Money seemingly no object in letting new and old Chief Borough Council Officers work alongside each other for 6-months while trousering £130,000 and £150,00 p.a.  Nice.
  4. Screwing the poor over Council Tax contributions.  Tories happy to bleed the local unemployed out of more money than every other council in the country.  Labour and Lib Dems disgusted, but as they are outnumbered 3-1 they are pissing in a very strong wind.
  5. Swimming Pools - generally seen to be a good idea.  Especially for swimming in.
  6. Bees are better than wasps.  The council charge £50.00 to get rid of a nest full of jaspers, but at the curiously young age of 50, you can get a 50% price reduction.....
  7. Poppies supporters would like the Council to engage over the possibility of a Weekly Glebe / Frenchies Field development.  Tories wish to include more options and continue dialogue with club.  Water down the specifics to a more, "steady as she goes" tone.  Nothing ruled in or out, but lots more talking at some point in the future.....One block vote later and this has been passed.  Hollobone speaks as though he's still playing to the public gallery in the House of Commons instead to a room of Poppies fans wondering if he'll ever make it to Latimer Park.
  8. Tories more than happy to let officers do their jobs for them with regard to looking at ACV's
  9. People from outside the Borough pay 4 times as much to be buried here.....
  10. Meeting ends.  Democracy is served.



C'mon, let's be honest.......



".....who'd ever heard of Frenchies Field until now?" 

Sunday, 11 December 2016

On This Date...

We should have known to expect something a little bit special, just by looking at the calendar.  This particular date has been quite kind to us over the years. December 10, 1988 – Bristol Rovers! 2-1 in front of the Match of the Day cameras. Unforgettable?  You bet.  Still think about it, oh, at least every other day.  Twenty years later to the day, Notts County! - another famous win. 

December 10 2016 – Cirencester Town in the EvoStik Southern Premier!

Ok, a few things were a bit different. There wasn't a potential trip to Old Trafford up for grabs, no TV cameras, and a few less spectators. The attendance was officially 135  (I’m sure I counted 134). But so what, we lucky few witnessed a very eventful start.  Not quite in the Colin Cowperthwaite class, but leading 2-0 after 3 mins is fairly unusual. That’s more than some Peter Morris sides managed in a month. Soon it was four and very nearly five before someone in a Cirencester shirt managed to get a foot on the ball. They pulled one back but we were too busy texting our latest goal to notice.  The rain fell,  the Cirencester keeper more than earned whatever you get for being Cirencester’s goalkeeper (not enough, on this evidence). Marcus changed the strikers, we scored a couple more, it all seemed very easy.  So we can add a thumping 6-1 away victory to the list of good things that have happened to KTFC on this date in history.
 
And Marcus gets maybe a couple of weeks breathing space before the next time he nervously checks his messages. 
 
 
Calm down Brett, come back when you've beaten Cirencester

Saturday, 3 December 2016

Ah, Sutton....

1989.

These days, to Joe Public, 1989 is the name of an album by willowy, wanton, serial-boyfriend dumping, pop-siren Taylor Swift.


"It really is ANY excuse, isn't it?


To Poppies fans it recalls the defeat of Halifax Town and Bristol Rovers in the FA Cup.


"Now, that's more like it!
GEDDINTHERE!!!

To the rest of the footballing world, 1989 is Sutton United beating Coventry City.  I suppose that's fair enough.  We beat a team near the top of what now is League One.  Sutton beat a "Premiership" team.  So, it's no real surprise Sutton's victory is plastered all over the media, and our win isn't.  Our victory means pretty much nothing to anyone outside of the NN15/16 postcode region.

No true-thinking Poppies fan would begrudge Sutton the limelight over that win.  How could we?  Where Sutton do stick in our craw (leaving aside a certain hammering they gave us) was what happened in the 4th round of the Cup that year.

Both them and us had away games against top division opponents, but while Sutton were well and truly stuffed, mounted and placed over the fireplace by Norwich, we pushed Charlton Athletic all the way, and could have forced a replay.  While Suttton supporters had a tiny corner of Carrow Road to watch the mounting horror from between their fingers, we took over Selhurst Park and packed out the mighty Holmsdale Terrace to holler ourselves hoarse.  Yet again Sutton got all the plaudits and coverage despite losing track of the goals conceded, while we got a 10 second clip at the end of Match of the Day.

At the time we can all remember seeing more footage of the Sutton players doing a lap of "honour" at Norwich than goals being scored at our game.  More interviews with their senile Manager.  And then yet more footage from the Coventry game.  Followed by yet more poetry from the Boss, as he was knighted.

And for us?  A chortling, thirty second clip on About Anglia and a pull out in the ET.  Grrrr...!


You know, I think I can see myself....





Friday, 2 December 2016

FIFA getting even tougher!



"To KTFC from FIFA.

Sirs, in our continued efforts to stamp out overt political
symbols from our valuable beautiful game, it has been brought to our
attention by a club we cannot name, but were reformed after their
previous incarnation died after under 20-years, the you have been displaying
a Poppy logo for some time now.

We cannot allow this state of affairs to continue.

FIFA believe a backhander legitimate fine of 10,000
Swiss Francs for every transgression would be fair.

There are three of these accursed Poppies on each badge
x 15 players, x 42 games x 144 years.

Consequently, we require by end of play tomorrow
CHF 2,721,600,000.

However, we'll probably look the other way for a couple
of grand and an old-style toblerone.

Signed, FIFA"

Thursday, 17 November 2016

What a surprise.....


FIFA to punish Scotland and England over Poppy display


....the article suggests a fine, rather than points deduction is the likely outcome.

Wow - what a shock.  FIFA has its hand out again!

Perhaps we should just have bunged them a back-hander to begin with.



Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Li Lo Deflates: A Town Mourns

The night of June 23rd.  History in the making.  Britain votes to leave. Lindsay Lohan has a pop at Kettering.

"#REMAIN Sorry but #KETTERING where are you" she tweeted in derision at this obvious example of Nowheresville UK, the kind of insular backwater that would turn its back on the wider world.

Amazing to think that the Herbie: Fully Loaded star was capable of such insight.  Clearly a lot better informed than many suspected.   

But trust good old Philip Hollobone to bristle at the slur, demanding in Parliament that the offending celeb, best known recently for extended spells in rehab, drug violations and sundry other felonies, “redeem her political reputation” by switching on the town’s Christmas lights.   

Anyway, on hearing of this she agreed. Then forgot about it 5 seconds later and fired off another tweet about Syria or something.

Months passed.  Kettering BC waited patiently for her people to get in touch to firm up arrangements.  Nothing.  Phil tried to help but admitted “it’s simply not been possible to track her down”.  Always a challenge when dealing with someone so famously reclusive and publicity shy. 

Could it be that she was really going to disappoint her legions of blank eyed teenage fans in NN15, and pass up the opportunity to flick the festive switch?

Sadly, yes.

Luckily there’s a happy ending to this shallow celebrity tale.  KBC reached deep into its book of contacts and pulled out an absolute cracker who, by a happy coincidence, was already booked to appear in the local panto!   Who needs Hollywood when you’ve got this kind of glamour!!
 
 

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Poppies late winner causes pandemonium.....

....among the online, angry teen community.

Most online contributors on "Marcus Must Die", sorry, KTFC Chat, seem genuinely annoyed that THEIR team has won a game.

Perhaps time to lose the photo from the top of the Facebook page, unless "Loyal Poppies" is meant to be ironic?


Saturday, 5 November 2016

If there's one thing we can be certain of.......



......it's that St Ives's players and supporters
weren't celebrating this time as though
they had just won the league!





Spare me from the whiny few!

The most casual of glances over the various online Poppies outlets will confirm just one thing - the majority of fans want Law out.

Well, perhaps not the majority of fans.  More the majority of those who are online the most.

Well, perhaps not the majority of those that are online most.  More the majority of those who type in angry CAPITAL LETTERS.

Well, perhaps not the majority of those who who type in angry CAPITAL LETTERS.  More the majority of those who can find nothing worth commenting upon when we win, but are apoplectic beyond all reason whenever another team dares to defeat us.

The opportunity to bitch online has opened a whole new horizon of bellyaching to the average Poppies fan.  Once upon a time the only outlet we had for displeasure was to grumble loudly at the final whistle.  And then go into the Social Club and moan a bit more about a club we continued to fund with our ale purchases.  An hour later and Mick Groom had our names down to go on the Pirate coach to Barrow the following Tuesday evening, using up a day's holiday and spending another fortune in the support of the Poppies.

That was how we complained about stuff in the good old days!

Except for the one time we actually held a demonstration against a sitting Poppies manager.  Yes, my motley collection of whiny Keyboard juntanistas, we Poppies fans made the effort to go to the ground and demonstrate!  That's right. We put on our warmest winter clothing and walked up to Rockingham Road on an evening that there was no game, and noisily protested outside the ground during a training session.  I imagine our current generation of whinging ingrates will find this difficult to comprehend, given that not all of them can even work up the gumption to attend our games, let alone choose to make our feelings of despair known on a night when there was no game at all.

Admittedly, this was the only time in my years supporting the Poppies that I can recall this sort of thing happening.  It occurred during the fag-end of Peter Morris's second stint in charge.  We were still smarting from an FA Trophy humbling at the hands of Histon (who back then were at least 35 leagues below us), and far too many reverses in the League to handle.

Reaching the Trophy final the season before had bought Morris a little more time, but no amount of papering was going to cover the gaping cracks of his managerial frailties.  The Saturday before our famous one-off demonstration there was a slight dry run where a perhaps twenty of us put down our pint pots in the Social Club and marched the dozen or so steps to the directors entrance in the main stand to register our discomfort with the Morris regime.  I can't remember which club worthy headed us off at the door, but we bleated politely to him for a few minutes before returning to our drinks.  And then, more than likely, booked our seats for the following midweek away game at Dover.

About the same number of we malcontents turned up for our actual demonstration.  Once assembled we did have a few moments of hesitation when it dawned on us that we didn't really know what we should be doing.  Never having demonstrated before we had no clue how we should go about it!  We eventually managed to shout a few chants which were balanced between support for Kettering Town Football Club, mixed with our opinions on Morris's shortcomings.

Demonstrating used to take an effort -
not just a thumb and a WiFi signal

I doubt our effort made much impact, but within a week or two we were gumped at home by Morecambe, and Mallinger finally pulled the trigger.  The tragedy being that had he dismissed Morris a week earlier we might just have avoided relegation, as the team eventually came within an ace of pulling off a great escape.

One real, honest-to-goodness demonstration in the past 30-odd years.  Not really much of a record is it?  And, looking at the quality of our young, and not-so-young malcontents these days, who prefer to complain by emojis, unlikely to be added to any time soon.






Sunday, 16 October 2016

Say WHAT?

A glimpse over any schoolboy, under-18, or under-21 international football programme invariably throws up the usual mix of mega stars, journeymen, and mystery men that make you exclaim, "who the hell is that?"

I often wonder what those players who ended up working permanent night shifts in freezing warehouses, before warming the bench at Gainsborough or Gosport, think when they hear about their former room-mate Wayne Rooney earning a million quid a month.  If they managed to avoid drowning in bitterness they would be better men than me...!

Idly thumbing through an under-19 England International Programme from 2002, I was struck by the number of stars who "made it", such as the aforementioned Mr Rooney.  Plus the likes of 'keeper Lee Camp, Glen Johnson, Liam Ridgewell, Peter Whittingham, Stewart Downing, David Bentley, Wayne Routledge and Marcel McKie.

What?

Marcel McKie!?

Marcel F*cking McKie!?


Marcel McKie - not good enough to wear Poppies red,
let alone England red!



Once I'd picked myself off the floor, I continued reading.  Marcel was previously in the under-16 team, making 13 appearances, and was on the books of Tottenham Hotspur.

Marcel F*cking McKie!?  Sorry.  That just slipped out again.

In 2002 he had the footballing world at his feet.  Barely 4-years later he was screaming for midfield cover as he was burnt-off time and time again, on a muddy field, by the right midfield of Redditch United in front of a few hundred punters and a few dozen Redditch nutters.

I guess some young players fall by the wayside because of bad luck, injury, or getting too much too soon.  Marcel didn't really fit into any of these categories.  In his case it was more the fact that he wasn't actually a very good footballer.  God alone knows how he got onto the books of Spurs, but at least this explains the international appearances.

I've no idea what happened to Marcel in the period between that England Under-19 Tournament and shivering his skinny ass off at the Valley Stadium, but presumably the phone call from Morrell Maison, and the chance to join his legion of dusky, vaguely French sounding players at Rockingham Road, gave him the chance to rebuild his career.  Unfortunately Marcel wasn't aware that Morrell's coaching manual didn't include the words "defensive" and "cover".  It also didn't help the player that a popular and actually good full-back, Liam Nicell was dumped in favour of another of Morrell's exotic-sounding signings.

Well, Marcel's career didn't exactly flourish after his short stint of being found out at Conference North level.  When you're not good enough for the Poppies, invariably you only head in one direction....Not even sure if he's kicking a ball around with his mates these days, but I hope he has those England Youth Caps in a nice frame, and in pride of place on his living room wall.


Oh dear.  This is a genuine tweet from Marcel's Facebook account.
A prize to anyone who can translate it into English.


"u no ur a bellend wen u look bk at ur exs profile n shes gettin treat worse than u treat her n nothin u can do or say helps,i feel guilty man coz if i dint fuk up she wouldnt b goin thru this hell,sorry baby all i can say is u no how to contact me if and when u need me n mans there,i no ur not on my friends list either but just on the off chance u decided to look for me this ones 4 u,JTMMM"












Saturday, 15 October 2016

"Supporter"


NOUN


1.  A person who approves of and encourages a public figure, political party, policy, etc.

Synonyms: Advocate, backer, adherent, promoter, contributor......



2. A person who is actively interested in and wishes success for a particular sports team

Synonyms: fan, follower, enthusiast, devotee, lover, admirer, zealot, aficionado....



3. A Kettering person who is actively interested in and wishes success for the Poppies, but only when they win every week, and the manager is sacked every time we don't win, or plays players out of position, or basically does anything we don't agree with.  The bastard!  Marcus Out!!!!!!  Ritchie promised us promotion!  Wah! Wah! Mummy!

Synonyms: fair-weather, mouthy, keyboard-warrior, aggressive, naive, pig-ignorant, ready to follow a more successful team at the drop of a hat.....
                   

Saturday, 8 October 2016

"Stick to the roads...

The oft quoted expression that football is "a funny old game" certainly sprung to mind with our FA Cup draw away to Solihull Moors.  We have played both Moor Green and Solihull Borough a few times in the past 20 years.  Both clubs were the typical mini-supported, Midlands cannon-fodder for our the all-conquering big-boys from Rockingham Road.  The sort of clubs whose tiny grounds we turned up to, marvelling at how such places survived, then filling their social clubs and terraces with Poppies red, before leaving with the points / progression in the Cup.

Just over twenty years ago we whupped Solihull Borough real good at their place in the FA Cup to land us the plum tie of a home fixture against Plymouth Argyle in the 1st Round proper.  A game shown live on Sky, showcasing our Poppies heroes on the national stage, as the plucky part-timers played out of their skins against the League giants.  At least it should have gone that way.  In reality, the producers of the telecast couldn't find enough worthwhile footage to fill the end credits, leaving the music playing over a blank screen for the last 30 seconds.

We tussled manfully with Moor Green in Conference North for a few seasons during one of our long-term expulsions from the Conference. Our final games against them came at a time when the clubs were heading in opposite directions.  The Poppies unveiled new signing Chris Beardsley, who filled his boots that afternoon, as Imraan's DRC Locum fuelled all-stars were sweeping their way to a dominant Conference North League title.

Moor Green, on the other hand, had vacated their own ground and were sharing Solihull Borough's stadium.  The clubhouse of which, for some reason, resembled the largest sauna outside of Lapland.  I distinctly remember walking onto the terrace and seeing a meagre clump of Moor Green fans, glumly selling raffle tickets and scarfs from a listing paste table.  It looked like the most abject car boot sale in history!  I genuinely felt sorry for them.  Their club was slipping away from them.  No ground.  No fans.  No future.  And then there was us - Rich as Croesus.  On our way to the Conference.  Football League beckoning?

But, as we know, "football is a funny old game".

The next time I saw such a sad, paste-table sight was coming through the turnstile at Steel Park for the first time and seeing us with the very same set-up!  Wow.  Things can change around quickly can't they?

Fast forward to the present and the picture is somewhat different.  After combining to form the new club of Solihull Moors, and then being a middling presence in Conference North for a decade, they enjoyed a golden season last year and won the division, to take their place in the "National League".

I hardly need detail our "progress" over the same period.... but it leaves us with a hard match, away to the giants of Moor Green, playing two leagues above us now.  "Funny?"  Not really!



....stay off the Moors" 


Monday, 3 October 2016

...and for the angry Moomin from York Street...

Poppies v Boston - FA Cup

For the very angry, rotund Boston fan who "raced" around to where I was standing at half time to forcefully lambast the referee, and everyone else in sight, might I suggest he check the above video at about 8 seconds in.

Quite telling is your player's initial reaction after basically sacking Spencer, before he remembers he is supposed to argue the toss.....

You might want to watch the rest of the video to.  Couple of good goals in there.



Thursday, 29 September 2016

Did the Community Values March have Dave Singh's full attention?


Sorry Dave, do you have somewhere
else you need to be? 

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Pay It Again Sam

Sam Allardyce – where to begin? How about this.  At the National Football Museum there was a display of autographs.  Amid all the squiggles and indecipherable signatures, one stood out in clear print. ‘Big Sam’.  The self styled big cheese, who even took the trouble to invent his own nickname (fact) and presumably even signs birthday cards that way.

Big Sam the big time manager who mystifyingly never had a big job or won even a little trophy until his sheer ambition and self belief landed him the England gig, at a time when suddenly anything was possible, even a quiz show buffoon becoming Foreign Secretary.  

And not just that, in the Telegraph video he clearly thought he was a big shot businessman too, nailing down a £400k deal in the Far East whilst bragging about his connections to impress the audience.  For the undercover journos this must have been laughably easy: just dangle talk of an easy payday under his slavering chops and press play. 

Among all the tawdry details it was also quite revealing when the conversation briefly turned to the England job.  Asked who the next opponents were, Sam correctly recalled that first up it was Malta, then “Slovenia or something”. Exactly the sort of attention to detail and preparation that £3m a year buys you.  Combine that with allowing the fading talisman Rooney to decide where he wants to play and it’s easy to conclude that Allardyce saw this role as a cushy reward for all his years of trying to squeeze Premier League survival out of limited resources. 

Well now of course he has even more time on his hands to pursue business opportunities, though he might find that the fees have shrunk. And I look forward, after maybe a brief interval, to him popping up on the ITV sofa next to Hoddle or some other bushed flush, giving us the benefit of his insight from all 93 minutes of that brief but memorable international career.   
Now available on eBay

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Off with their heads!

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a person in possession of a good majority on Kettering Borough Council must be in want of screwing over Kettering Town Football Club.

No matter the colour of rosette, or any previous held views on the Poppies, having a "kettering.gov" email address turns even the most even-handed public official into a Poppies-hater.  Add to this, the trough-snufflers the council employ all fear that KTFC exist solely to empty the Council's coffers into funding a promotion push.


But why has this schism between Council and Club become so marked?  Even the most cursory look at how other local councils in Northamptonshire interact with their premier football clubs throws into the starkest relief how badly our council treats us.  They are happy to throw funds at f*cking volleyball and help support just about any other cause in the Borough, but the merest mention of the Poppies has them pleading poverty.  


Not only that, but they have also seemed to actively try to destroy us.  Remember when they blocked any chance of us moving to Cohen's Yard because of the poor access, only to then turn around and fund new traffic access to the site when they thought they could make money from the site.  A site that, several years later, despite being well-appointed is home only to empty dead-end dirt roads and head-high stinging nettles.  Or the time they tried to highjack the club's proposed deal with Asda to get new council offices built for them free of charge?  Not only did they f*ck the Poppies up, they managed to b@llocks up their own plan too.


This hate is all the more puzzling in light of the fact THE CLUB HAVE NEVER ASKED THE COUNCIL FOR ANY MONEY.  Whilst Northampton and Corby Councils can't write cheques quick enough to help the teams that share their name, our council wouldn't even politely ask the Pickerings to consider allowing us to bid for Rockingham Road should they ever try to sell it again!  Our council build wall after wall of legalese crap to justify thwarting our very existence.  


Well, that all ends this Wednesday when we march on Bowling Green Road and torch the place and put all the councillor's heads on spikes peacefully hand over a petition.


Under an alphabet soup of initials a C.I.C are looking for an A.C.V. on R.R. from K.B.C. P.D.Q.  There's nothing more certain than the council successfully wriggling out from any responsibility, and happily letting Rockingham Road fester and overgrow for the rest of time, but letting them know our frustration and eye-balling our elected officials as they glibly dismiss us will be worth it.


I hold out few hopes of success for this endeavour but happily applaud the efforts of Poppies fans who have stood up and actually done something, rather than sit at home mewling fearfully about daring to challenge the council on this matter.  Forgetting the important fact that WE employ council officers and WE elect our councillors.  They damn well should listen to the people they are supposed to serve!


“People shouldn't be afraid of their Council.  KBC should be afraid of their people.” 


And now I've managed to misquote both Jane Austen and Alan Moore in one blog, it's time to sign off with an amusing image.



"See you next Wednesday" 

Monday, 19 September 2016

Bloody Cockneys, stealing OUR Jobs!

The world seems to be aghast that some PRETEND dozy mare is moving from PRETEND Walford to Kettering (but obviously, NOT REALLY, IT'S A F*CKING TV PROGRAMME!)


Sonia is waxing lyrical about a dream job in in our fair town, dropping the "K-Bomb" every thirty seconds or so.  To universal derision.  But, Kettering - why?

Why not?  Kettering has far lower rates of murder, attempted murder, rape, battery, GBH, ABH, arson, teenage pregnancy, gangland kneecapping, dropped 'aitches, and re-casting of parts than any area of East London, real or fake.

So what if Sonia wants to follow here dream of a better life in Northamptonshire?  Good on her, I say.

Mind you, she should be made aware that Kettering is in the real world unlike Walford.  A London Borough where anyone can own and run a £450,00 3-bed house, based on a couple of afternoons selling fruit and veg on the market and covering the odd shift at the cafe.  This also includes, "going up West" five times a week and then disappearing to Spain for a fortnight's holiday every few months.  She'd be lucky to wangle the occasional weekend at Skeggy when she lands in Kettering!

And, does Sonia know that her little brother, Craig Hill has left the Poppies, meaning she can't bunk down with him now?

DUM,
DUM,
DUM-DUM-DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM!!!


"Coming.... 


......and going!" 




Friday, 16 September 2016

Un-Social Media

What has become of us Poppies fans?  We have always been a reactionary, miserable bunch of moaning bastards.  It was part of our charm (!)  We grizzled through 90 minutes of football and either gave a muted cheer at a positive result of a muted "hurrumph" at a negative one, followed by the obligatory, "Shent goo agen!"  Then we would turn up the following game and go through it all again.

It seems that easy and ready access to social media has turned sections of our support from grumbly-guts into something far more distasteful.

With the lamented departure from the scene of Poppynet, the only remaining online outlets for a Poppies fan eager to make sure everyone is fully aware of their important opinion are the KTFC Chat Facebook Page, and the KTFC Forum.  We all know that in the real world all us Poppies fans are as normal, well adjusted and reasonable as anyone else.  Pretty much.  So what is it that makes elements of our number temporarily lose it when posting on social media?

Some of the recent personal abuse on the Facebook / Twitter pages has been breaktaking.  Actual football matters and results don't seem to be a major factor in some of the hate being liberally thrown around.  Leaving aside the ease of safely posting vicious poison from the comfort of your own man-pad, there does seem to be a distinct escalation in some of the ranting fury on show.  Small elements of the fanbase seem unhappy with pretty much everything in Poppyland.  Not so much "glass half full", as "glass half full of sh*t".  By way of an example, our admittedly poor home record thus far is rarely balanced with our sparkling away form.

A day rarely goes by without further ranting about the missing Centre Back who will single-handedly win us the title and give us all far more fulfilling lives.  It is always nice to have the best possible footballers, playing for us in all the positions on the field.  Leaving aside the fact that just because we WANT a player, we automatically GET a player, which footballer in their right mind look to fill this position?  Looking at the kind of player being demanded, he will need to be good in the air, positionally aware, quick over the ground, vocal and a natural born leader.  Oh, and despite all these virtues, he needs to be, somehow, between clubs and not break the bank.  Ah well, that rules out building a time machine and plucking a 22-year old Bobby Moore out of the past.

The KTFC Fredum has also had spells when it has been almost overwhelmed by a single poster who is like a dog with a particularly tasty bone about whichever issue they are fixated upon on any given day.  Someone who can't quite differentiate between debate / difference of opinion with soul-sapping repetition.  All while achieving the surprising feat of being simultaneously thick and thin skinned at the same time!

If only the football at Latimer Park was half as spicy as the discussion surrounding it, we would be in for some seriously sumptuous Saturdays!


"All play and no wins makes Jack an angry boy.
All 
play and no wins makes Jack an angry boy.
All 
play and no wins makes Jack an angry boy...."

Thursday, 8 September 2016

..and for anyone just joining us....


.....Poppies fandom presently looks like this -


Poppies lose, we want the Manager gone

Poppies win, the Manager is a tactical genius, but, deep down, we want him gone

Fred doesn't want Poppies fans to embarrass the Council over Rockingham Road (as if anything could!)  He really, REALLY doesn't.  It would be unfair to suggest the only remaining Poppies forum is going around in turgid, navel-gazing, Fred-centric circles, but the last thing on there was a THREAD, called FRED, started by FRED and will no doubt be ended by FRED, all about FRED.


And really, that's about it.  

"Yabba - dabba - DON'T!!!"


Saturday, 3 September 2016

Zero to Hero at Leek Town

...AGH!  


Aaron O'Connor has missed a penalty in the 86th minute!  What a useless cun......


......gratulations to Aaron for hitting a 90th minute winner!

Thursday, 1 September 2016

How Well Do You Know Your Transfer Window?

Which of these didn’t happen?
a) Chelsea re-signed a former player for £34m
b) Man Utd re-signed a former player for £89m
c) Man City put £100m into a rocket and fired it into space

Which of these major summer signings is not a real name?
a)  Gabriel Jesus         
b)  Sven Kums
c)  Dildo Billabong

What was Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s main item of personal terms?
a) a gold plated toilet
b) a 50ft marble statue of himself
c) ‘I played with Zlatan#legend’ to be tattooed on every squad member
d)  all of the above

What does Joey Barton bring to Rangers?
a) midfield know how
b) expertise in starting a fight in an empty room
c) flute playing skills

If John Stones is worth £47m, what would Bobby Moore’s value be?
a) £100m
b) £200m
c) about the same, bearing in mind he died in 1993

What did Jack Wilshere wake up to this morning?
a) a rapturous welcome from the Bournemouth fans
b) a series of disbelieving texts
c) a very damp pillow

Pinch me, someone

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

The more things change.....

Very randomly stumbled across the Patgod piece below from almost exactly 6-years ago.  Just change the names of players and opposition.  Oh, and the ground.

With these small details amended, you tell us if we couldn't have just written it today?


so-far-so-mediocre - August 2010



Monday, 22 August 2016

Goal Rush at Latimer Park!

Between the Burton Park Wanderers game on Saturday and Sunday's Dylan Cecil Charity game, no less than 29 goals hit the back of the new, rippling onion-bags over the weekend.

Leaving aside BPW's amusingly unfortunate reverse, those in attendance on the Sunday saw the Sonics defeat the Angry Birds (computer characters, I'm assured) by the small matter of 10-4.  In many ways it was difficult to differentiate between watching this game and watching the Poppies play.  Lots of unfit, heavily tattooed blokes, struggling to control the bobbling ball, being heckled mercilessly from the sidelines.

To make it seem even more like a Poppies game. both dug-outs were filled with blokes with their arms crossed, making completely ineffectual changes!

Were it not for the fact that BOTH teams managed to score, one could easily have been forgiven for thinking it was the Poppies playing!

Several hundred pounds were raised for the The Dylan Cecil Memorial Fund, with, hopefully more to following from a joint Poppies Trust - DCMF Race Night, due to be held at Latimer Park on Friday 2nd September.

If you can, please try to buy a horse / jockey for the event, or, better still, get to Latimer Park on the 2nd to have a flutter, a few drinks and some stodge.  It may make the following day's defeat game at Leek more bearable.





Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Has Marcus Lost It?

An audio recording has leaked onto online media, purporting to feature Marcus Law lambasting his players at half-time against Redditch.  It must have done some good as the team turned a 0-1 halftime score into a 3-1 win.

Video footage has now become available of Marcus's tirade, which makes us wonder, is this man fit to be a football manager?






Monday, 15 August 2016

Private Patgod Piece for Pete

Possible return to Leek Town in FA Cup

This will be of interest to no-one but PW and me, but I certainly remember the steak pie at the Red Lion before our last game at Leek - a small matter of 18 years ago.  Sod the football - let's stay in the pub this time!


Yum yum 



Sunday, 14 August 2016

A week truly is a long time in Poppyland

Last week - an opening day win at Dorchester, on the back of the unveiling of the club's plans for Latimer Park.

OK, it was a win at a team that will be lucky to stay up this season, and the ground development plans at Latimer Park are heavily dependent on permission / neighbours / a sh*t-load of money, but still it was heady days for a few days.

A couple of miserable home performances later and it's all doom and gloom for Poppies fans, with the internet at risk of buckling under the weight of our wrath and hatred.  But how else are we supposed to react when faced with -


  • No goals
  • Not much discernible effort
  • No burger van
  • One too many ex-Scum players on the pitch
  • A very poorly designed new kit (who had the idea for that cheeky plunging neckline?)
  • Pitch still bloody bobbly.  
    • And bone dry.  
    • And concrete hard.  
    • And made wider to accommodate our mysterious wing-play (!)
  • A manager who still won't make every decision EXACTLY how every single one of us would make them!


Just 43 games left to go......



To be honest, with the lack of  chances created
by the rest of the team, we might as well
have played this Sam Smith up front.





Friday, 12 August 2016

Poppies fans take defeat in their stride




Watch out Marcus, Pedro wants
to talk tactics!

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Don't Panic! (Part One for 2016-17)

Sure we lost badly to a bunch of former Poppies who aren't up to Southern League Premier League level.

We were outplayed by a bunch of heavy lower-league players.

We created very little, and looked like conceding every time the ball got anywhere near our penalty area.

The new season is just a week away and were shipping goals every time we play any team that are slightly above park-kick-around level.

But don't panic!  I've managed to cross off an item from my bucket-list.

I've still to fly a home-made glider from the top of Niagara, or ride a Unicorn over the Alps, but I've now managed to see David Kolodnski put in a solid 90 minutes of effort, without resorting to just moaning, goal-hanging and missing sitters.

Happy days!


Wow - is that sweat?



Sunday, 17 July 2016

The Fixtures are out! Woo Hoo!

We can now bask in the full glow of this coming season's fixtures.  It may be difficult, under the baking mid-July sun, to ponder a rain-effected early 2017, but ponder it we must.

Hopefully the work carried out on the Latimer Park pitch will help us actually play some home fixtures during the Winter, but, just in case it is "business as usual" in Burton, please see below our amended fixture list.



The Poppies, so often at the forefront of developments
in football have, in recent years, instigated a one-team mid-winter break

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Can this week get any more depressing?

Last weekend

We left the EU thanks to a combination of political lies (well, obviously not ALL the £350 million will go to the NHS.....) and pent-up, genteel racism.

This week

The national football team meekly surrendered to a country that hadn't seen grass until a fortnight ago.

This weekend

I turn 50.



Can anyone match this?  Would they want to?

Woy's Viking Funeral

Hard as it is to swallow, we fell just short of Euro glory. Two weeks and three rounds short, but let’s not dwell on that.  There were many positives to come out of this campaign:

·        Leo the England lion enjoyed his many photo opportunities and is now attracting interest from numerous charity shops.

·        Joe Hart clearly knows all the words to the national anthem.  I haven’t seen such a lung bursting delivery since that Italian tenor at the Walkers.

·         Ray Lewington had a lovely boat trip in Paris with Roy. It was Ray’s first visit to the French capital, so understandably this took precedence over a scouting trip to watch our next opponents.

·        Harry Kane is clearly getting his eye in.  By the end of last night’s game, he was only missing the target by 10 yards.

·       In the pressure cooker atmosphere of international football, Roy was able to compose a lengthy resignation statement within minutes of the final whistle.

Now we have to put away our England flags and beanie hats for another 2 (possibly 4, maybe 6 to 10) years and get behind someone else. Many will plump for Wales but I prefer Iceland.  Tenacious, fearless, well organised and incisive. Just four of the minor adjustments that it would be nice to see in future England displays.

 
Roy and Ray's next boat trip 

Monday, 27 June 2016

I don't pay my Council Tax for this......

I'd be bloody annoyed if the bill for this work ended anywhere other than on the "Welcome" Mat at Ben Pickering Ltd!

Council clear Rocky Road trees

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Euro Update

I’d just like to clarify something I said earlier. By stating that England were not about to blow a really easy potential draw, I meant of course that England were about to blow a really easy potential draw. 

Now, while Wales face a winnable looking tie against possibly Albania or failing that Gibraltar, our path to the final is looking a little more challenging. Get past the Group F runners up and we are likely to face France, followed by Germany. Which will make it all the more satisfying!
 
Thankfully at Patgod we prepare for every eventuality, so here’s our handy guide to England’s next opponents.  Whoever they are.

Portugal – easy, all we have to do is stop Ronaldo. Stealing the dressing room mirror should do it.

Hungary – bit useful once, but not since colour television was invented. Glad to have got this far. Providing we don’t rest 8 players this time, we should be ok.

Austria – mini me Germany. Vardy v Fuchs?  Just imagine the headlines if we f-  er I mean mess up.

Iceland – a nation the size of Coventry, but being a grey lump of volcanic rock, with slightly better scenery. Likely to play out of their skins to prolong not having to return to Iceland. But avoid complacency and we’ll be fine.  So it’s touch and go then.   

See you in the quarters!

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Sign and be Damned!

It probably won't do much good, except to show our beloved Councillors we still exist, but it would be nice to shove a few thousand signatures down the throats of people who wield power based on securing barely a few hundred votes.

How do you solve a problem like the Pickerings?

It is difficult to know exactly what Ben Pickering Ltd want with from Rockingham Road.

Other than a time machine to go back to a point when builders paid astronomical sums for any plot of land, of course.  Sorry chaps.  2007 isn't coming back again anytime soon.

With the council authorising wholesale building of cardboard hutches on any field that dares to be in sight of Kettering, builders aren't going to be falling over themselves to "snap-up" barely two acres of artificially leveled, poorly accessed land covered in steel and concrete.  Why should they?  Given they can build almost anywhere these days, why put themselves through all that hassle?

The seemingly moderate bids BP Ltd received when they tried to auction the site off a couple of years ago should have told them all they needed to know about the price of land these days.  Perhaps once upon a time Rockingham Road was worth multi-millions, and the people who owned the stadium were already dreaming about purchasing a small Caribbean island.  Well, tough.  In today's market, the place might just pay for you to buy a static caravan at Mablethorpe.  Provided you don't want a view of the sea....

When Ben purchased Rockingham Road (the biggest own-goal ANY football ever scored) for a figure thought to be no more than 50 grand, he made one of the best investment anyone has ever made.  He made his money back at least 20-30 times over.  Perhaps more.  And he still owned the asset.  Not bad when these days a top ISA will return a profit of 0.000000000000001%.

Without Ben in the picture, the current owners of BP Ltd haven't done quite so well.  They squeezed their golden goose too hard, once too often and encouraged Ladak to seek pastures of a more inbred nature.  So, instead of banking a regular income of £20 of £30K (rather than the 70K they wanted back in the Conference days) per year for the past 5-years they've managed to secure a return of precicely "f*ck-all", if you'll forgive this accountancy term.

So, now what does BP Ltd have?  A site no-one except the Poppies want.  In it's current condition, Rockingham Road is  not especially appealing.  As a cleared site it might be a better bet, but they obviously cannot afford to tear the ground down, or they'd have done it by now.

All BP Ltd have in their favour is a local council that hates Kettering Town FC so much it is happy for them to leave the site to both rot and overgrow, and strangely mute neighbours who don't seem to have complained about the state of the area.  But, if you live adjacent to Rockingham Road and want something done, feel free to contact your council, who have been keen so far to look the other way.

C'mon KBC - get off your f*cking arses!


Friday, 17 June 2016

The Crying Game

Two games into our triumphant Euro campaign and I’m sticking to my prediction that we are nailed on to win it. Woy’s half time rush of blood yesterday will be our equivalent of Sir Alf opting to play without wingers – the moment that it all started to come together.  Plus it will hopefully be the last time we see Sterling on the pitch in this tournament.  There’s a joke in there about Sterling Euro jitters, but I’ll leave that one to Gary Lineker’s scriptwriters.

It’s easy to pick on Sterling. Very easy.  So this won’t be difficult then. It must be great to have already picked up 25 caps on the strength of being able to scuttle along like a clockwork toy with about as much end product.  £49m for Sterling?  Imagine his value if he had positional awareness, better distribution and an ability to finish. Or any of the three. 

Joe Hart too will hopefully learn from his mistake against Wales. Like it’s generally better to stand in the middle of the goal.  At least, on the scale of England goalkeeping cock ups, he didn’t do a Robert Green or get caught flatfooted by a 45 yard lob.  At least not yet.

Let’s concentrate on the positives, the reasons why the rest of the competition will fear us.  Dier – the only person under the age of 60 called Eric, and playing with a maturity beyond his years.  Vardy – half goalhanger, half coathanger – in the form of his life and even managed to bag the glamorous Rebekah despite looking like a ferret.  Walker – keep up those surging runs, the further you get from defending the better we all feel.  Rooney – we always knew he’d light up a tournament, though we were kinda hoping it wouldn’t be his 14th.  Sturridge – our ace: just get through the next few weeks in one piece and you can be injured all next season. Which you will be.
Having lifted one monkey off our back by actually winning a game, just wait for the other totems to fall:

England don’t blow a really easy potential draw!

England don’t shoot themselves in the foot with a needless red card!

England win a penalty shoot out!

England at last beat someone good!

Meanwhile I hope that Welsh fan has stopped crying now.  It was only looking like a draw for chrissake. Even worse were the numpties in the crowd who were all forlorn at the final whistle, only to break into a big beaming smile when they saw themselves on the big screen. There should be a law against it.  People in the crowd shouldn’t be able to see themselves on the telly. It breaks the fourth wall.  They should look happy, tense or miserable according to the game situation, not endlessly gurn at the viewers. It’s bad enough having to look at Robbie Savage.  

If, by some cruel fluke, England don’t win Euro 2016, I hope to God that it isn’t France. Anyone but them. Whenever they host a tournament (which is too often) they always win, which is particularly annoying because they don’t even particularly like football in France.  It stirs their emotion slightly less than a bunch of drug addicts pedalling up mountains.  Even a close game of boules gets them more animated.  Another French win next month would just prove that these things are fixed.  But like I say, it won’t happen.  Come on England.         


Stop blubbing boyo

Thursday, 16 June 2016

Another one of the great sights in world football


A disheartened Gareth Bale grudgingly admits that
perhaps the odd England player may just squeak
into the Welsh team.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Most Obvious Picture Gag Ever (Part Two)

Corby NOT joining Poppies in Southern League Premier



"Looks like we'll have to find
another way to pay for the
new conservatory - bugger!"

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Still one of the great sights in world football

Ronaldo looking as though he's
about to start blubbing.

Like a girl.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Once More Into The Breach

Having decided it was time I threw my weight behind England’s Euro preparations, I went to the Portugal game the other night.  It was my first visit to the new Wembley and I have to say the place has freshened up somewhat since we were one of the last to bring the curtain down on the old place, which in truth was a bit of a dump. I had vowed that I wouldn’t return unless it was wearing a KTFC Wembley [insert year here] cap.  Yeah, I know.  Sometimes, though, you’ve just gotta adjust your expectations, so I approached this as a fact finding trip, ready for when we next march down Wembley Way. To the present stadium or its eventual successor.

Everything about the new Wembley is impressive – it just needs an England team to match.  On the outside concourse stands a statue of Bobby Moore, inscribed “First England captain to lift the World Cup”.  How clever - that won’t need updating the next time we do it!   Judging by the hype and legend each time we’ve since got as far as a semi, sneaking into another final will pretty much guarantee another statue, plus a lifetime of anniversary events like those which are currently unfolding.  Not just the umpteenth reliving of ’66, but fond recollections of ’96 too, in the complete absence of anything more recent. 

Even then, Skinner & Baddiel felt they had enough material to talk about "all those oh so nears, wear you down, through the years”. Guys, maybe it’s time for an album?  Still earlier, England went to Spain singing “This time, more than any other time, this time”, just SIXTEEN years after winning the bloody thing.  That’s like Roy’s boys vowing to recapture the glory days of Kevin Keegan.

Because England are really terrible at this.  Despite almost always, until recent times, setting off with pundits galore predicting we could go all the way, in our entire history we have played in the same number of actual finals as Greece and Belgium.  Even Denmark (DENMARK!) have troubled the trophy engravers as often as we have.  If international football was the Premier League, we’d be Newcastle.  Great stadium, passionate fans, high hopes, won nothing since the sixties.  When was the last time England won a knockout tie against a major team, someone we perhaps weren’t expected to beat?  You know what I think the answer is?  Never.  Not once.  It takes some doing to be that consistently disappointing.

So on that note I’d like to wish the boys all the very best in France.  My prediction: we’ll piss it.

Arise Sir Woy